What a Loser...
Okay, readers... big news...
My poems did not win the poetry contest I entered!
But wait... there's more...
The piece I wrote for the short story competition also did not win! It didn't even place! And there were like.... 40-50 finalists!
Truth be told, when I saw how massive the list of finalists was, I started giggling. Laughing with, not at, myself, if you will. Yes, I am aware that sounds nuts, but I was honestly tickled by my own hubris. I felt so good about this story when I first submitted it. Not only was I proud of myself for putting it out there, I genuinely thought it stood a chance of at least making the top 50. Reader, I have been humbled. To make matters even more comical, a writer named "Tessa" was on the list, so I got excited for like .25 seconds before noticing the "a" at the end of her name.
Yes, I was bummed, but this is why entering the occasional contest is an important part of my process. By the time I've reached the point of receiving rejection letters from agents and publishers, I'll already be well versed in the practice of failing gracefully. Of course, winning or placing would have been amazing. Still, as I write this post now, in the wake of my loss, I am reminded of a few more pertinent truths about writing:
- Writing is an art form; therefore, it is inherently subjective. One set of judges from one online contest does not get to determine whether or not I have talent or skill.
- Sorry, judges, I'm sure you're great. It's just not happening.
- I took the time out of my precious writing schedule to take a chance on myself, and that's really freaking cool, okay?
- Plus, it cost $11 to enter. That's a literal investment!
- My story will still see the light of day because I get to share it with all (25-100) of you now!
Left Behind
It smelled like syrup right when I woke up this morning. Syrup is one of my most favorite foods, but I don’t like to smell it right when I wake up because syrup means pancakes and pancakes mean something is wrong. Mommy only makes pancakes when she’s sad. She always tries to hide it, but I can tell whenever she’s been crying. Her eyes get all puffy and she sniffles a lot. Sometimes sniffles mean sick, but I know she’s not sick because when she’s sick she doesn’t make pancakes. When she’s sick, she lays on the couch all day.
Once I’m more awake, I hear noises coming from the kitchen. I’m big enough to go down the stairs on my own, so I sit on my bum and scoot down one step at a time. That’s the fun way to get downstairs. When I get to the kitchen at the very bottom, Mommy is standing in front of the stove and the pancakes are burning right in front of her. I walk over and tug on the bottom of her robe because I’m worried that maybe she fell asleep standing up like horses do sometimes. I learned that from Uncle Levi when I was helping him in the barn one day. That night, I tried to fall asleep standing up so I could be like a horse, but instead I just tipped over onto my bed and slept there like normal.
“Mommy?” I say as I pull at her fuzzy robe.
Mommy jumps a little and sucks in her breath really fast and I’m worried that I scared her, but she smiles big when she sees it’s just me. She crouches down to give me a hug and says, “Sorry, Peanut,” that’s what she calls me, “Mommy got a little distracted. Have a seat at the table and I’ll bring you some yummy pancakes.”
I tell her, “Thank you, Mommy,” and climb into my booster seat. Mommy puts a cup of milk and a plate of blackish-brown pancakes in front of me and sits in the chair across from mine.
Her mouth is smiling, but her eyes still look sad, so I ask, “What’s the matter, Mommy?”
She does a big loud breath like grown ups do when they’re thinking hard and says, “Nothing, Peanut. I just didn’t sleep very well last night,” then she tucks my long hair behind my ears so it doesn’t get all syrupy.
I like my hair because it’s brown like Mommy’s, but I really want my hair cut short like the older boys. Too bad Daddy’s rules say not until we’re five. Mommy says I’ll be five on my next birthday, so I don’t have to wait too long. I’m not so good at waiting, but I think I can do it just a little longer. Besides, I don’t want to make Daddy mad again. Last time I asked Daddy about my hair, he said he already told me the rule once and I wasn’t listening so he had to punish me. He made me stand at the back of the dining hall and watch everyone else eat dinner and I didn’t get to have any at all. My tummy hurt so bad it felt like it was turning inside out. Now I know not to ask about the rules.
When I’m done with my pancakes, Mommy helps me get dressed and brushes my hair so I look nice for church. Then she lets me tie my own shoes while she puts on her favorite blue dress and braids her hair. I get most of the way done tying, but Mommy has to help me finish so we’re not late. If we’re late, we both get punished, and I hate punishment. I really don’t want Mommy to get punished either — Mommies always get punished way worse than kids.
⧫ ⧫ ⧫
When we get to church, I sit in the front row with the other younger kids like usual. I pick a spot between Sister Sarah and Brother Thomas because they’re my favorite. Sister Sarah is the best at drawing, and Brother Thomas has short hair like I want because he’s already five and a half. All the big kids sit in the row behind us, and the Mommies sit in the one behind them. The Uncles sit on a bench right behind Daddy and look out at all of us because they are next strongest after him. I like that we get to see the Uncles because sometimes Uncle William falls asleep while Daddy is preaching and it’s funny to watch his head bobble back and forth.
Today, Daddy preaches about being “a beady ant,” but I don’t really know what that is. It must be important though because Daddy says it a lot of times. I try to listen hard so I can learn how to be a beady ant and make him happy and not get in trouble. Daddy tells us that in order to be a beady ant we have to follow his rules and not ask questions too much. We have to do exactly what he tells us or else we won’t be allowed to go to the Next World with him and our Uncles and Mommies.
The Next World is a beautiful place up in the sky where our family gets to stay forever once the End Times happen. The End Times are when too many people are bad and break Daddy’s rules and the whole entire world burns up. Daddy says the End Times are coming very soon and we all need to get ready. Since we’re part of Daddy’s family, as long as we follow the rules, he will take us to the Next World with him. He tells us we are so lucky to be his family otherwise we would burn up with everyone else. I want to be good for Daddy, and I don’t want to be burned up, so I try my best to do what he says.
Daddy says the Next World is made specially for us, and it has all of our most favorite things. He says that when we get there we can play all day long, and everyone will be nice to each other all the time. We can eat all the cake and cookies we want. Plus, kids don’t even have to go to school. When Mommy and I get there, we’re going to be together every day and she won’t ever make pancakes again because she won’t ever be sad again. When I snap out of my daydream, Daddy is still preaching, but I sort of forget to listen because my eyes get stuck on Uncle William’s bobblehead again. I’ll try harder to pay attention tomorrow.
When church is over, Daddy sits in his big chair and all the younger kids line up to give him a kiss on the cheek like always. After we’re done, we get to go play outside until we have to go to school and the Mommies have to go to their special meeting. The older kids have to work after church, so they don’t get to play with us. I hope we get to the Next World before I’m an older kid so I can keep playing forever and never go to work or meetings at all. I play tag with Sister Sarah and Brother Michael until the bell rings. The bell ringing means it’s time for school, so I run and give Mommy a great big hug. Then the Mommies go to their meeting and us younger kids walk over to the school room.
When I get home from dumb school, Mommy gives me cheese and crackers and a glass of milk and we talk about my day. I tell Mommy about how Sister Madeline got in big big trouble because she said she never wants to have babies. She said it’s because Brother Samuel lives in her house, and he’s a baby. She said he cries so loud that he wakes her up when she’s sleeping sometimes, and he makes big stinky poops. When she said that, we all laughed a little, and so we had to put our heads down and be quiet for a long time as punishment.
Sister Madeline’s punishment was way worse though. She had to stand in the corner of the school room until the day was over. She stayed there all through lunchtime and didn’t even get to eat. She stood for so long that her legs started to shake, but our teacher Mommy Susan said she wasn’t allowed to sit until she learned her lesson. I thought that was kinda silly since Sister Madeline missed Mommy Susan’s whole lesson while she was stuck in the corner.
When I finish eating my snack and telling Mommy my story, she doesn’t say much. Her eyes look wet, like she might cry, but she just tells me to play in my room while she cleans up the kitchen. She says once it’s all clean we can go feed the chickens, which is my favorite chore to do.
I try my best to do what Mommy tells me and stay upstairs, but after playing a little, I think I can hear her talking to someone. Nobody else lives with us anymore, so I decide to go check and see who came to visit. When I get downstairs, I see Mommy through the kitchen window, but there’s no one out there with her. She’s just standing alone talking super quiet with the house phone up to her ear. The house phone is only supposed to be for emergencies, but I don’t see any Bad People trying to get inside, so I’m confused. I sit on the bottom step and listen really hard to see if something’s the matter, just in case.
I hear Mommy say, “I don’t know if I can do it anymore, Char,” and that’s when I know she’s talking to Mommy Charlotte.
Mommy Charlotte used to live in our house with us not so long ago, but she broke too many of Daddy’s rules. Daddy found out and said she wasn’t allowed to be in our family anymore. That meant Brother Michael and Brother James had to leave, too, which made me cry a lot when I found out. I’m sad that they don’t get to come to the Next World with us, and I’m sad that I don't get to play with them anymore. They used to be the most fun to play hide and seek with. Plus, Mommy Charlotte makes the best chocolate chip cookies ever. I really miss them, but I’m also scared to hear Mommy talking to Mommy Charlotte on the house phone because talking to people who left our family is breaking one of Daddy’s biggest rules.
I hear Mommy say she’s, “ready to leave,” and then she wipes her cheeks with the sleeve of her dress and looks around all nervous. I think it's because Mommies aren’t supposed to cry where people can see them. I don’t want Mommy to be terrified, because that means scared, but I really don’t want Mommy to take us away from here. If we go away, we will be Bad People just like Mommy Charlotte and Brother Michael and Brother James.
Daddy says there are Bad People who want to take the Next World away from us. He says they are jealous that we are so special and they have to stay behind and get burned up with everyone else because they don’t follow the rules. Daddy says our family isn’t ready for the Next World yet because we have to show him we aren’t Bad People first. Then, once he’s sure all the Bad People are gone, the angels will lift us up to the Next World where we will stay forever.
Mommy is quiet on the phone for a while and then I hear her say, “Behind the barn… it has to be completely dark. Yeah, tomorrow… are you sure I can do this?” Mommy starts to cry really hard then, so she comes back inside and that’s when she sees me sitting on the steps.
Mommy looks at me with her mouth open and says, “Char, Christopher is here. I’ll see you then… thank you so much,” and then she puts the phone on the counter and crouches down to me and asks, “You alright, Peanut?”
“Are you going to take me away and make us Bad People like Mommy Charlotte?” I ask. Mommy’s eyes get all wet again and her face scrunches up like she’s trying to put the tears back where they came from.
She sniffs and says, “No, Peanut. You could never be a Bad Person. You’re the best person. We’re just going to take a little trip to see Brother James and Brother Michael. Won’t that be fun?”
I think about it for a little because I do think it would be fun, but I also think it would break lots of rules. I don’t want to make Mommy even sadder, so I just tell her, “Yeah, I guess so.”
She smiles and says, “Of course it will, Peanut,” and boops me on the nose. I giggle, and then she tells me, “But this is a super secret trip, so don’t tell anyone about it, okay? We don’t want anyone to feel left out because they don’t get to come on our special adventure. Not even Daddy.”
I know for sure that keeping secrets from Daddy is something Bad People do, but so is saying no to our Mommies. My brain gets stuck so I just say, “Okay, Mommy,” then she gives me a kiss on top of my head and tells me to wash up for dinner.
During dinnertime, I sit next to Sister Sarah and it’s so hard not to tell her about the trip. I think I can probably keep it a secret, but I do my best to stay quiet all through dinner just in case. People ask if I’m okay since I normally talk so much, but Mommy just tells them I have a yucky tummy and takes me home early after Daddy says it’s okay. Once we’re home, Mommy asks me if I’m not talking because I’m worried about our trip. I tell her that I really want to see my brothers, but I’m scared we won’t be able to go to the Next World if we do because it’s breaking so many rules.
Mommy does a big breath and tells me it’s okay to be scared, but I need to trust her since she’s my Mommy. She says the trip is going to be good for us, and that should make Daddy happy. Mommy tells me that I just have to keep the secret for one day longer and then I can play with my brothers and eat Mommy Charlotte’s chocolate chip cookies. I think that sounds pretty good, so I say it’s okay and Mommy gives me a big hug. Then she says we better get to bed since we have a long day tomorrow and we have to be up early for church first thing.
⧫ ⧫ ⧫
Daddy is very angry this morning, and he’s preaching extra loud. He’s being so loud that even Uncle William is wide awake behind him. I don’t like when Daddy is like this. His face gets all red and his eyes look like they’re going to pop out of his head and he spits a lot when he talks. That’s the worst part since I have to sit in the front row. I’m also feeling afraid because Daddy is saying something really very scary. He says there are Bad People sitting in church with us right now.
Daddy tells us they look just like our normal family, but they don’t really believe in his rules. He says they need to come forward – that means tell the truth – and be punished. He says if they don’t get punished, they will stay Bad People forever and be left behind when the End Times come. He tells us that the End Times are very soon, but the longer the Bad People stay secret, the longer it will take for the angels to come rescue us. Everyone gets really squirmy when he says that. Daddy pounds his fists on his big tall table and everyone sits still again.
When I go outside to play after church is over, I run right up to Mommy and cling onto her legs really tight because I’m still feeling scared. I’m scared from all the loudness, but I’m also scared because it sounds like Mommy and I might be the Bad People Daddy was talking about because of our secret trip. Mommy pats my back and then pulls my arms away from her leg. The other Mommies giggle a little, but I don’t know what’s so funny. Then Mommy takes my hand and leads me over to behind the big tree so we can talk in private.
When we’re behind the tree where no one can see us, Mommy asks me, “Are you scared because of what Daddy said in church today?”
I only nod because I’m afraid if I try to talk I’ll start to cry.
Then Mommy says, “Remember, Peanut: you have to trust Mommy. I will always do what’s best for you. Once we’re with Mommy Charlotte and your brothers, we won’t have to worry about any of Daddy’s rules. We will get to make our own rules. How does that sound?”
I tell Mommy, “Okay,” and she gives me a giant squeeze and sends me back to playing.
When the bell rings a few minutes later, Mommy looks over to me and puts one finger in front of her mouth to remind me about our secret. I give her a thumbs up, she gives me a wink, and then I walk to the school room with my siblings.
⧫ ⧫ ⧫
I’m very sleepy after a long day at school, so I go to bed right after dinnertime. When I wake up, Mommy is standing next to my bed, except I’m confused because it’s still dark outside my window.
I want to ask Mommy what’s going on, but before I do she says, “Time for our trip, Peanut. I packed our things. Are you ready?”
I look down at Mommy’s feet and see a crumpled up potato sack with our clothes stuffed into the bottom.
I’m still confused so I tell her, “Mommy, it’s still dark out. That means it’s nighttime.”
Mommy says, “I know, Peanut. It’s a secret trip, remember? We have to be extra sneaky, and we have to leave right this minute,” and she reaches out her hands to pull me out of bed.
Mommy is carrying all our stuff, so all I have to do is put my shoes on and follow her to the barn where she says Mommy Charlotte is going to meet us. Mommy and I hold hands and walk down the driveway, but before we walk out onto the road, Mommy squeezes my hand and crouches down to me and says, “Once we are out on the road, we can’t talk at all, okay? We have to be very quiet. Just like when you play hide and seek. Do you understand?” I do, so I nod, then Mommy takes one last big breath and says “Let’s go,” and we start walking towards the barn.
From our house, we have to go all the way down the bumpy road, over the big hill, and then down a different road some more to make it to the barn. It’s taking a long time to get there, and I really want to ask Mommy how much longer it will take because I’m getting bored and I’m still very tired. It’s hard to even see anything out here since we only have the moon for a light. I’m not scared of the dark, but I am starting to feel a little scared because of all the rules we’re breaking. Then I realize we’re almost to the hill and we haven’t been busted yet, so maybe Daddy isn’t as mad as I thought about breaking the rules.
I’m starting to see the lantern at the top of the barn pop up from behind the hill. Mommy looks down at me and whispers, “Almost there,” and then smiles. I’m looking up at Mommy’s shiny brown hair and big blue eyes just like mine and I’m starting not to feel so bad about breaking the rules because she looks very happy. When Mommy’s happy, I’m extra happy, so I smile back up at her. That’s when we hear a great big scream that makes Mommy jump.
Mommy whispers, “Charlotte,” and then bends over, puts her hands on my shoulders, and says right into my eyes, “It’s time to run, Peanut. We’re not playing hide and seek anymore. We’re playing tag. If we get tagged, we won’t be able to go on our trip. We have to go as fast as we can so we don’t get tagged, okay? Now run.”
And before I can even ask who’s “it,” Mommy is tugging me really fast toward the barn. We can see the whole barn now, which means we’re close, so I don’t have so much farther to go. We hear another scream, only it’s louder this time, and then there’s a loud bang. After the bang, Mommy stops all of a sudden and stands right in front of me. I poke my head out from behind her legs and see Daddy and Uncle Levi walking around the side of the barn.
They’re not running like normal for tag, but I still think maybe they’re “it” because Mommy looks very nervous. I’m starting to get a little nervous too because I can see Daddy’s face from the lantern light as he walks to the front of the barn. He looks madder than he ever has in my whole life. His face is so pinchy that I think it might crumple up and fall right off. Uncle Levi looks mad too, only he’s smiling a little bit, so maybe it’s okay. Maybe we are still playing. Uncle Levi lifts the lantern he’s holding so that he and Daddy are all lit up, and that’s when I see what the screaming was all about.
Daddy and Uncle Levi must have been doing barn chores in the middle of the night because they both have blood all over their clothes. They usually wear aprons to cover up, but piggies always scream before a loud bang happens and they get turned into food, so I think that’s what Daddy and Uncle were up to back there. I hope I don’t have to do barn chores when I’m older. It makes me sad when Daddy and the Uncles turn the piggies into food, but Mommy always tells me that all the animals we eat will be waiting for us in the Next World, so that’s good at least.
I’m about to ask Mommy if we’re still playing tag or if we have to do chores too when I hear her crying a little. She sounds like the barn dogs do when they’re hungry. Daddy starts to walk faster towards us, and that’s when Mommy yells “RUN,” and starts pulling me towards the woods on the side of the barn. I guess the game is still going, so I run as fast as I can so maybe we can finally win the game and go on our trip.
I hear Daddy yell, “GO,” from behind us, and then I hear him and Uncle Levi’s feet crunching leaves louder and louder as they get closer and closer. I’m running as fast as I can so I don’t get tagged, but my legs are tired from all the walking we already did.
I start to slow down a little to ask for a timeout, but Mommy says to me, “Keep running,” and squeezes my hand tighter.
I keep going, but I’m not so sure Daddy and Uncle want to play anymore. They are still yelling behind us, and I can’t tell what they’re saying, but they seem really actually mad. Sometimes when I play tag with Brother Thomas, he gets mad because I’m so much faster than him. Sometimes I just have to slow down and let him tag me so he can have more fun and I can have a turn being “it.” I think maybe I should do the same thing for Daddy and Uncle now so everyone can be happy again and we can do a timeout to rest our legs.
Except as soon as I stop running, Mommy turns around and yells, “NO,” and I can see that she’s been crying again. Right when I start to ask her what’s wrong, there is a huge loud bang — the same kind Mommy and I heard before, only way louder. As soon as it happens, I crouch all the way to the ground because the noise shakes my whole entire body. I cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes really tight to get the sound away from my head. It still sounds like someone is screaming inside there, even though my ears are covered. My heart feels like it’s going to explode, and all I want is a hug from Mommy. I think maybe she needs a hug too. When I open my eyes to see if she’s okay, I see her laying flat on the ground.
I worry that Mommy’s ears got hurt from the bang, too, so I yell, “Mommy?!” and stand up to go check on her. Only as soon as I take one single step, I feel strong arms lifting me up and a hand covering my mouth. I start to get very sleepy all of a sudden, but before I actually fall asleep, I see Daddy walk over to Mommy and stand right above her. As my eyes start to get so heavy they can’t keep themselves open, I see Daddy pull something out of his pocket. Then my eyes go fuzzy, and I hear one last loud bang. It screams in my head all night long.
⧫ ⧫ ⧫
When I wake up, it’s bright outside again, and I’m back in my bed inside my house. My head still kind of hurts, but the screaming is much quieter, so that’s good. I’m happy that the scary game is over, but I’m worried too because it smells like syrup again. Mommy's probably sad because we lost the game. Or maybe she’s sad because we don’t get to go on our trip since we got tagged. Then I remember she was stuck laying on the ground after the bang, so I decide to go down to the kitchen and make sure her ears are okay. When I get to the bottom of the stairs, Mommy Lisa is standing at the stove instead of Mommy. She turns her head to look at me, and she looks just like Mommy does when she makes pancakes. Her eyes are all puffy and red, and she’s all sniffly.
I say, “Good morning, Mommy Lisa,” and then I ask, “Is Mommy still sleeping?”
Mommy Lisa sniffs really big and says, “Have a seat, sweetie. I’ll bring your breakfast over and explain everything.”
Mommy Lisa brings me some pancakes and a glass of milk, and I ask her where Mommy is. Mommy Lisa tells me that Mommy doesn’t get to stay here anymore since she broke so many rules. That makes me very sad because I thought Mommy said the trip was a good thing even though it broke some rules. She said we’d even get to make our own rules. I start to cry because I want to see Mommy so bad, but Mommy Lisa gives me a hug and tells me not to worry too much. She says I did a brave thing by telling the truth, and she tells me that Mommy will be waiting for me in the Next World. I cry harder because that means Mommy is very far away.
I didn’t mean to make Mommy go to the Next World without me. I just wanted to “come forward” like Daddy said. That way, Mommy and I could get just a little punished and then go to the Next World with everyone else after we got back from our secret trip. Only I didn’t know that punishment for Mommies meant going to the Next World without their kids. If I knew that was the punishment, I never would have told my teacher Mommy Susan about our trip yesterday at school. If I had known that Mommy would be taken away from me, I never would have talked to anyone about anything at all.
Mommy Lisa gives me another big hug and tells me it’s okay to be sad. She reminds me that I’ll see Mommy in the Next World. I don’t like to be far away from Mommy, but then I remember that Daddy said the End Times are coming very soon. That means Mommy and I will be together forever in just a few sleeps, hopefully.
When I see Mommy in the Next World, I’m going to give her a great big hug and tell her I’m so sorry for telling our secret. She’ll say, “It’s okay, Peanut,” and boop me on the nose. Then we will play tag again, only I’ll make sure she gets to win this time.
Comments
Post a Comment